Let’s be realistic — not many of you sat down Monday, Tuesday and Sunday night to catch the latest Farmer Wants A Wife drama.
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Even this humble recapper struggled to keep up-to-date with the earth-shatteringly important things happening on the show.
But let this recap be your guide, summarising the last three episodes so you can rejoin the adventure like a seasoned veteran.
We’ll start with episode two, where Farmer Paige (our solitary female farmer) and Farmer Ben (the shaggy one) picked their five favourites.
There wasn’t much interesting here, other than Farmer Paige shocking the nation by choosing someone who clearly had a casual gambling habit.
Next, the farmers selected one lucky lady/lad to come to their farm 24 hours ahead of the rest and enjoy an intimate night alone (with a camera crew).
In episode three, several threats were issued as the ones left behind arrived on-farm, interrupting the loved-up couples.
With five sets of idle hands lying around, the farmers immediately got to work.
Isabella, 22, shone in the bails and was labelled the “number one milker” by Harry.
Paige in particular was checking out the work ethic of her men.
“What we’re doing here today, the rams are going out for joining and we test their testes to make sure they’re okay,” she informed the blokes.
Marty, 36, handyman and gambler, piped up with a very quick: “I can see them from here, there is nothing wrong with them ... I’m not going in there.”
“Well,” Paige diplomatically hedged for a moment. “You are.”
In the end Paige came to the conclusion that Marty, who couldn’t handle handling ram testicles, was “generally not in the country much”.
Over with Farmer Ben, our Undera-born and raised contestant Lauren outshone the others during the weighing of the calves.
“Yeah I grew up on a dairy farm. It is kinda like riding a bike,” Lauren said, earning her a few jealous looks.
Farmer Will from Berriwillock skipped the farm chores in favour of a swim in the dam to check yabby traps among the many bright and colourful bikinis.
“My mates will be laughing at me at home, but they will be pretty jealous,” Will smartly observed.
“Not many people have this opportunity to have five women in a dam with them.”
Later at dinner, Kyabram’s Harry was grilled about why he was so keen to settle down at the tender age of 23.
“I really want to be a dad some day, I think because me old man did such a good job at it,” he admitted.
Many locals would be aware of the situation, but for the rest of you, Harry’s father Darren Lloyd died of a heart attack at International Dairy Week in 2017.
“He said ‘see ya later’ in the morning. I went off to work and never saw him again. It was rough,” Harry said.
“We sold the cows and stuff. The farm was leased out to the neighbours and that’s where I am now, milking there and working on our farm.
“The community ... they are so good about it. We definitely wouldn’t be here without them.”
At the dinner table, the farmers were asked to pick two girls for a double date.
The catch? At the end, one must be sent home.
For Farmer Paige it was an easy situation. Marty the testes tester took himself off to hospital for some tests of his own and called to say he was too sick to come back to the farm — ever.
Farmer Ben (shaggy) sent home Courtney, 33, interior designer.
Farmer Will (the dam man) sent home Sahara, 25, maritime personnel operator.
Farmer Ben (gets up at 2.30am) sent home Renee, 29, recruitment consultant.
Farmer Harry (Kyabram) sent home Elise, a blonde one.
Episode four gave us a relaxed, low-stakes environment which allowed some new romantic developments.
Farmer Ben took Erin, 32, flower farmer out to burn off a paddock and got distracted by her beautiful eyes.
“I — for some rhyme or reason — started asking real deep and meaningful questions whilst the paddock was on fire. Who does that?” Farmer Ben asked the camera crew.
Farmer Paige kept gravitating towards Dylan, 29, carpenter.
From what we can gather, his winning quality is that he’s the least scared of her horses.
We concluded with the first country ball, where everyone gets together for some drinking, dancing and forced confrontations by the hay bales.
Right at the end, each farmer picked one lucky lady/lad to take on a solo date, setting up our Monday night episode.
Journalist